哪怕遭受挫折，你也依然美丽。你或许不会意识到，但是那个不断试图绝地重生的你，是多么光华四射。这是独属于你自己的美。 ——作家莉迪娅·约克娜薇琪
莉迪娅·约克娜薇琪，曾经遭受家庭虐待，大学考砸两次，有过两次惨痛的失败婚姻，经历过强制戒毒，还在监狱里度过两次假。女儿当天出生，当天夭折。她用回忆拼凑出自己跌跌撞撞的人生历程。如果你也曾怀疑过自己，发现自己与世界格格不入，总是活得不尽人意，那么米姐相信，这段TED视频演讲也一定能触动你的心弦，打动你的灵魂。
0:11
So I know TED is about a lot of things that are big, but I want to talk to you about something very small. So small, its a single word. The word is "misfit." Its one of my favorite words, because its so literal. I mean, its a person who sort of missed fitting in. Or a person who fits in badly. Or this: "a person who is poorly adapted to new situations and environments." Im a card-carrying misfit. And Im here for the other misfits in the room, because Im never the only one. Im going to tell you a misfit story.
0:11
我知道 TED 演讲总是围绕着大事展开，但是今天，我想讲一件小事，小到用一个词就足以概括格格不入。因为简单明了，所以这是我最喜欢的词。格格不入者总是无法顺利融入周围的圈子，或者很难适应新位置和新环境。我是一个彻头彻尾的格格不入者。在场的格格不入者远远不止我一个人，我代表他们站出来，就是要把自己的故事告诉大家。
0:54
Somewhere in my early 30s, the dream of becoming a writer came right to my doorstep. Actually, it came to my mailbox in the form of a letter that said Id won a giant literary prize for a short story I had written. The short story was about my life as a competitive swimmer and about my crappy home life, and a little bit about how grief and loss can make you insane. The prize was a trip to New York City to meet big-time editors and agents and other authors. So kind of it was the wannabe writers dream, right? You know what I did the day the letter came to my house? Because Im me, I put the letter on my kitchen table, I poured myself a giant glass of vodka with ice and lime, and I sat there in my underwear for an entire day, just staring at the letter. I was thinking about all the ways Id already screwed my life up. Who the hell was I to go to New York City and pretend to be a writer? Who was I?
0:54
在我三十岁出头的时候，成为作家的梦想在向我招手。准确地说，我在邮箱里发现了一封信，信上说我写的小说得了大奖。小说讲述了一个人走出了家庭虐待的阴影，自强不息，成为优秀游泳运动员的故事，深入描写了悲痛和困惑的心痛时刻。因为小说获奖，我获得了前往纽约，和知名编辑、出版商和大咖作家见面的机会。这可是每个作家的梦想啊！各位知道我看到信后做了什么吗？作为格格不入者，我把信摊在餐桌上，倒了一大杯加了冰和柠檬的伏特加，就这样只穿着内衣，盯着那封信，呆坐了一整天。我在想，我到底是怎么把日子过成现在这惨样的？那个要冒充作家，奔赴纽约的我到底是谁？我到底是谁？
2:06
Ill tell you. I was a misfit. Like legions of other children, I came from an abusive household that I narrowly escaped with my life. I already had two epically failed marriages underneath my belt. Id flunked out of college not once but twice and maybe even a third time that Im not going to tell you about.
2:06
我来告诉各位。我是一位格格不入者。就像其他千千万万的孩子，我饱受家庭虐待，只不过侥幸逃脱了而已。在我的生命中已经经历了两次惨痛的失败婚姻。我大学考砸了两次，或许还砸过第三次，只是我不说出来而已。
2:29
(Laughter)
2:29
（笑声）
2:31
And Id done an episode of rehab for drug use. And Id had two lovely staycations in jail. So Im on the right stage.
2:31
我戒过毒，还在监狱里度过两次假。所以我活该站在这里。
2:44
(Laughter)
2:44
（笑声）
2:47
But the real reason, I think, I was a misfit, is that my daughter died the day she was born, and I hadnt figured out how to live with that story yet. After my daughter died I also spent a long time homeless, living under an overpass in a kind of profound state of zombie grief and loss that some of us encounter along the way. Maybe all of us, if you live long enough. You know, homeless people are some of our most heroic misfits, because they start out as us. So you see, Id missed fitting in to just about every category out there: daughter, wife, mother, scholar. And the dream of being a writer was really kind of like a small, sad stone in my throat.
2:47
我处处不入流，往事不堪回首。但是归根到底，我的悲剧应该源于痛失女儿。我的女儿当天出生，当天夭折。我当时根本接受不了。女儿去世后，我失魂落魄，流浪了好一阵子，就住在天桥下面。那种无尽的悲痛和困惑，许多人都难以幸免。或许每个年纪够大的人都会遇到。无家可归的人，是最不容易的人，因为他们曾经面临和我们一样的境遇。无论是为人女儿，为人妻，为人母，还是为人师，我在人生的方方面面，都显得格格不入。我梦想成为作家，却既踌躇不前，又介怀难忘。
3:45
It was pretty much in spite of myself that I got on that plane and flew to New York City, where the writers are. Fellow misfits, I can almost see your heads glowing. I can pick you out of a room. At first, you wouldve loved it. You got to choose the three famous writers you wanted to meet, and these guys went and found them for you. You got set up at the Gramercy Park Hotel, where you got to drink Scotch late in the night with cool, smart, swank people. And you got to pretend you were cool and smart and swank, too. And you got to meet a bunch of editors and authors and agents at very, very fancy lunches and dinners. Ask me how fancy.
3:45
我没有理会自己的不安和怯弱，径直上了飞机，准备前往纽约和各位作家见面。各位格格不入的同类，我几乎可以看到你们头上的光芒。我一眼就能认出各位。一开始旅程是美妙的。每个人可以选择三位最想见的知名作家，会有人为你安排联络。大家下榻在格拉梅西公园酒店，在那里可以和各种惊才绝艳的顶尖人才畅饮欢谈到深夜。你要装作和他们一样惊才绝艳，在无比精彩的午餐和晚宴中会见一大帮大牌编辑、作家和出版商。快问我有多精彩。
4:30
Audience: How fancy?
4:30
观众：有多精彩？
4:33
Lidia Yuknavitch: Im making a confession: I stole three linen napkins --
4:33
我承认，我从三家饭店里偷了三块亚麻餐巾出来。
4:37
(Laughter)
4:37
（笑声）
4:39
from three different restaurants. And I shoved a menu down my pants.
4:39
我还在裤子里藏了一张菜单。
4:43
(Laughter)
4:43
（笑声）
4:45
I just wanted some keepsakes so that when I got home, I could believe it had really happened to me. You know?
4:45
我只是想把这些带回家做纪念，让我相信我真的去过这里。明白么？
4:54
The three writers I wanted to meet were Carole Maso, Lynne Tillman and Peggy Phelan. These were not famous, best-selling authors, but to me, they were women-writer titans. Carole Maso wrote the book that later became my art bible. Lynne Tillman gave me permission to believe that there was a chance my stories could be part of the world. And Peggy Phelan reminded me that maybe my brains could be more important than my boobs. They werent mainstream women writers, but they were cutting a path through the mainstream with their body stories, I like to think, kind of the way water cut the Grand Canyon.
4:54
我想见的三位作家是 卡罗尔•马索，琳恩•蒂尔曼和佩吉•费伦。她们不算是最知名和畅销的作家，但是我把她们奉若神明。卡罗尔•马索的书后来成为了我的人生指南。琳恩•蒂尔曼给了我信心，让我相信，将来我的故事会被世界上的人所知晓。佩吉•费伦则提醒我，我的头脑比胸部更加重要。她们不是主流女作家，但是用自己的故事题材在主流文学中独树一帜，另辟蹊径。
5:40
It nearly killed me with joy to hang out with these three over-50-year-old women writers. And the reason it nearly killed me with joy is that Id never known a joy like that. Id never been in a room like that. My mother never went to college. And my creative career to that point was a sort of small, sad, stillborn thing. So kind of in those first nights in New York I wanted to die there. I was just like, "Kill me now. Im good. This is beautiful." Some of you in the room will understand what happened next.
5:40
能和这三位50多岁的女作家聊天，我都快乐疯了。因为我从来不知道生活可以这么开心。我的生活中从来没有打开过这样美好的一扇门。我的母亲没有上过大学。从这一点来说，我的创作生涯，根本就微不足道，希望渺茫。在纽约的前几天，我简直欣喜若狂，死而无憾。我想说杀了我吧。这一切太过美好，我已经无怨无悔了。接下来发生了什么，在场的同类一定心知肚明吧。
6:15
First, they took me to the offices of Farrar, Straus and Giroux. Farrar, Straus and Giroux was like my mega-dream press. I mean, T.S. Eliot and Flannery OConnor were published there. The main editor guy sat me down and talked to me for a long time, trying to convince me I had a book in me about my life as a swimmer. You know, like a memoir. The whole time he was talking to me, I sat there smiling and nodding like a numb idiot, with my arms crossed over my chest, while nothing, nothing, nothing came out of my throat. So in the end, he patted me on the shoulder like a swim coach might. And he wished me luck and he gave me some free books and he showed me out the door.
6:15
首先，他们把我带到了法勒-斯特劳斯-吉鲁出版社的办公室。法勒-斯特劳斯-吉鲁出版社是我的终极梦想出版社。艾略特的诗集和弗兰纳里•奥康纳的小说都在此出版。主编让我坐下，和我聊了很久，一直在试图让我相信，我以游泳运动员为题材，写了一本自传性质的小说。知道吗，就像回忆录似的。。整个谈话期间，我都双手抱胸，不住微笑点头，一句话都说不出来，麻木的像个白痴。最后他像一个游泳教练一样，拍了拍我的肩膀。他祝我好运，免费送我几本书，请我出去了。
7:08
Next, they took me to the offices of W.W. Norton, where I was pretty sure Id be escorted from the building just for wearing Doc Martens. But that didnt happen. Being at the Norton offices felt like reaching up into the night sky and touching the moon while the stars stitched your name across the cosmos. I mean, thats how big a deal it was to me. You get it? Their lead editor, Carol Houck Smith, leaned over right in my face with these beady, bright, fierce eyes and said, "Well, send me something then, immediately!" See, now most people, especially TED people, would have run to the mailbox, right? It took me over a decade to even imagine putting something in an envelope and licking a stamp.
7:08
接下来，他们让我去 W.W.诺顿的办公室，我以为，只要穿了马腾斯博士牌的高级靴子，就会有人陪我一起过去。但是并没有人陪我。在诺顿的办公室里就像身处苍茫宇宙，明星朗月，唾手可得，群星闪烁，在无尽的宇宙中编织着我的名字。这对我来说，是多么重大的事啊。明白了？他们的主编，卡罗尔•霍克史密斯，朝我俯下脸，眨着明亮有神的眼睛，对我说：快把作品寄给我！！大部分人，尤其是来能TED的人马上会去寄，对吧？而我却花了很久的时间来思考要不要做这件事。
7:59
On the last night, I gave a big reading at the National Poetry Club. And at the end of the reading, Katharine Kidde of Kidde, Hoyt & Picard Literary Agency, walked straight up to me and shook my hand and offered me representation, like, on the spot. I stood there and I kind of went deaf. Has this ever happened to you? And I almost started crying because all the people in the room were dressed so beautifully, and all that came out of my mouth was: "I dont know. I have to think about it." And she said, "OK, then," and walked away. All those open hands out to me, that small, sad stone in my throat ...
7:59
在最后一天晚上，我在全国诗歌俱乐部做了一场读书会。临近尾声，凯德公司的凯瑟琳•凯德和霍伊特与皮卡德文学社的人径直走向我，与我握手，当场让我做他们的代表，我像失聪了一样站在那里。这种事发生在各位身上过么？我几乎要哭了出来。因为所有屋子里的人都如此卓越出色，然而我却只能说我不知道，我要再想想那样的话。她说：当然。然后离开了。尽管很多人伸来了橄榄枝，而我仍然既踌躇不前，又介怀难忘。
8:50
You see, Im trying to tell you something about people like me. Misfit people -- we dont always know how to hope or say yes or choose the big thing, even when its right in front of us. Its a shame we carry. Its the shame of wanting something good. Its the shame of feeling something good. Its the shame of not really believing we deserve to be in the room with the people we admire.
8:50
各位，我尽量向大家描绘，像我这样的格格不入者是什么样的。我们这种人经常不知道怎样期待和回答，良机当前，也不知道，该如何选择。我们深感自卑，不敢追求美好，不配拥有美好，不敢相信自己配得上和偶像站在同一个屋檐下。
9:15
If I could, Id go back and Id coach myself. Id be exactly like those over-50-year-old women who helped me. Id teach myself how to want things, how to stand up, how to ask for them. Id say, "You! Yeah, you! You belong in the room, too." The radiance falls on all of us, and we are nothing without each other. Instead, I flew back to Oregon, and as I watched the evergreens and rain come back into view, I just drank many tiny bottles of airplane "feel sorry for yourself." I thought about how, if I was a writer, I was some kind of misfit writer. What Im saying is, I flew back to Oregon without a book deal, without an agent, and with only a headful and heart-ful of memories of having sat so near the beautiful writers. Memory was the only prize I allowed myself.
9:15
如果可以回到过去，我会把我的偶像告诉我的话，告诉曾经的自己。我会教会自己，说出自己的主张，为追求和梦想而努力奋斗。我会跟我自己说：你！就是你！你在此也应有一席之地。阳光一视同仁，普照万物，我们应当敞开心扉，团结一致。可现实是，我乘飞机回到俄勒冈，雨拍打着常青树，看着窗外熟悉的风景，我在飞机上要了好几杯酒，开始自怨自艾。我想，就算侥幸成了作家，我也一定是个不入流的作家。。我想说，我回到俄勒冈，没有签下一个合同，没签约一家出版社，只换来一肚子回忆。我曾经和那些出色的作家近在咫尺，到头来，却只有回忆作为奖励。
10:16
And yet, at home in the dark, back in my underwear, I could still hear their voices. They said, "Dont listen to anyone who tries to get you to shut up or change your story." They said, "Give voice to the story only you know how to tell." They said, "Sometimes telling the story is the thing that saves your life."
10:16
回到黑漆漆的家里，脱得只剩下内衣，她们的话还萦绕在耳边：有人要你停笔，有人要你修改，别听他们的，去传达你自己的心声。她们说：有时候写作能够拯救你的人生。
10:42
Now I am, as you can see, the woman over 50. And Im a writer. And Im a mother. And I became a teacher. Guess who my favorite students are. Although it didnt happen the day that dream letter came through my mailbox, I did write a memoir, called "The Chronology of Water." In it are the stories of how many times Ive had to reinvent a self from the ruins of my choices, the stories of how my seeming failures were really just weird-ass portals to something beautiful. All I had to do was give voice to the story.
10:42
现在，我也50多岁了。我成了一个作家。我是一位母亲。我也成为了一名老师。猜猜我有哪些得意门生。虽然没把握好当年的机会，但是我真的写了一篇回忆录，叫做似水年华。书里讲述了我如何在人生选择的废墟中重获新生，如何化腐朽为神奇。我要大家都听到我的故事。
11:26
Theres a myth in most cultures about following your dreams. Its called the heros journey. But I prefer a different myth, thats slightly to the side of that or underneath it. Its called the misfits myth. And it goes like this: even at the moment of your failure, right then, you are beautiful. You dont know it yet, but you have the ability to reinvent yourself endlessly. Thats your beauty.
11:26
每一种文化中，都有追梦的神话，大多数叫做英雄之路。不过我更喜欢另一种神话，一种过程迥然不同，不为人所知的神话，叫做格格不入者的神话。它是这样的：哪怕遭遇失败，你依旧美好。或许你还没意识到，但你确实拥有无限次绝地重生的力量。这，就是你的美之所在。
11:58
You can be a drunk, you can be a survivor of abuse, you can be an ex-con, you can be a homeless person, you can lose all your money or your job or your husband or your wife, or the worst thing of all, a child. You can even lose your marbles. You can be standing dead center in the middle of your failure and still, Im only here to tell you, you are so beautiful. Your story deserves to be heard, because you, you rare and phenomenal misfit, you new species, are the only one in the room who can tell the story the way only you would. And Id be listening.
11:58
你或许成天酗酒，或许惨遭虐待，或许背负前科，或许无家可归，或许一文不名，没有工作，没有爱人，痛失孩子，甚至丧失理智。你站在失败的正中心，此时我要告诉你，你依然美好。你应该说出自己的故事，因为你是一个难得的格格不入者。只有你才能用独一无二的方式来讲述自己的故事。我一定会静静地聆听。
12:43
Thank you.
12:43
谢谢。
我是谁？我失败吗？究竟是做错了什么让如今的生活过得如此糟糕？其实超过80%的人都曾怀疑过人生，否定自己，不敢坦然面对生活。当你无法融入一个新的环境时，这种感觉甚至更加强烈。好像周围所有的人都不理解你。
你觉得你是一个不幸者，是个loser，对所有的一切都不适应，几近要奔溃的边缘。但你一定不知道，仿佛与世界格格不入的你，也有着与众不同的美。哪怕全世界都忽略你，你也一定不能忽略自己。
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